40.5

Today, I am officially 40 years and 6 months old. I am now halfway through my 40th year. I decided I had to sit and write something so, here goes.

How do I feel about 40 years old now?

That seems to be the prevailing question of the day.

When I first turned 40, I was not in a good place. I had so much going on and didn’t know the proper direction for the future. I feel good about the direction my life is going. I feel good about things I have done and steps I have taken to reverse the trend of the first 40 years. I’ve been sad and despondent over the stupid lawsuit thing but, you know what? I’m in the right. All the evidence supports that statement. So, I’ll muddle through the best I can and I should emerge on top. Anyone who thinks otherwise can go to hell. My boys are doing good and that makes me feel warm and fuzzy.

So, I’m 40 and, while I wish I could color my hair (I am so very tired of my gray), I am doing good and happy with what and where I am. No one can take that away from me with their stupid comments designed to make me feel small. I do the best I can with what I’ve got. I screw up and make mistakes; however, I don’t know anyone who doesn’t screw up. Those that think they are so damned perfect and allowed to try and bring me down better check their Bible. I believe Jesus said, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” Since He’s not here to reprimand me for my mistakes, I am going to go with the idea that no one will be allowed to throw stones at me. No one has the right to speak out against me and, when they do, they only harm themselves. I’m done listening to the people who should be supporting me making such comments.

And that includes ex #2 – who thinks that he can destroy my life with his manipulative games. I’m done with him. He can fume and bluster all he wants. I’ve right on my side and I’m done dancing to his abusive, contriving psychotic behavior.

One thing he’ll never have is the love of a child to show him where life’s true treasures are. It’s not in the unfailingly blind obedience of a wife or woman to dance to his every tune. It’s not in having all the money he can possibly grab. It’s in the children. The eyes of a child when they look at you with love or come to you to comfort them after a sad movie or a injury. Without that, he’s destined to be a lonely man the rest of his miserable life. And to think, I almost let him take my children from me. Idiot.

40 is a great year for me. Not a bad one that marks half my life over. I’m smiling as I shut down the computer and head off to my appointment.

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